Governor Charlie Sheen

On 22 September, 2003, Two and a Half Men debuted on CBS.  The Chuck Lorre-created, Charlie Sheen-starring comedy pulled in over fifteen million viewers its first season and since has generated enough revenue to justify paying Emilio Estevez's brother $1.8 million per episode.  While I haven't the first clue how much china white one could snort up for that scratch, Two and a Half Men now finds itself on indefinite hiatus because Charlie Sheen does.

Cue Sinatra's rendition of "It Was a Very Good Year":

8 February 2010 -- Charged with felony menacing, third-degree assault and criminal mischief, stemming from a 25 December 2009 arrest for domestic assault upon his then wife, Brooke Mueller.  Charlie, per police documents, told his wife, "You better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I'll kill you.  I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won't leave any trace."  Happy Christmas!

23 February -- Enters rehab.  A "preventative measure".

10 March -- Charlie's reps tell news outlets he is set to return to Two and a Half Men the next week.

18 May -- Signs 2 year agreement with CBS for $1.8 million.  I would love to see CBS' internal risk analysis on that.  Those reports have to exist, right?  Godspeed to an intern to get them to WikiLeaks.  Godspeed.

26 October -- Trashes a suite to the tune of seven grand at The Plaza Hotel in New York after a night of debauchery and cocaine with a porn star-cum-escort.  When the police arrived, the escort was screaming inside a locked closet and "was fearing for her life and was naked" while a  "drugged up and naked" Sheen was, ahem, "searching" for his cellphone and wallet.  The police, thankfully, only brought Charlie to a hospital.

1 November -- Files for divorce from Mueller, citing "irreconcilable differences". What, that she was alive?  All jokes aside, probably for the best this happened before Thanksgiving.

26, 27 January 2011 -- Has a briefcase full of cocaine(probably not safe for work) delivered to his house during "officially 24 hours of drinking!"(ditto) with two porn stars and is rushed to the hospital at 07:00 on the 27th.  No big.

24 February -- Goes on The Alex Jones Show and talks madness, Lorre, Vatican assassins, trolls, F-18s and warlocks amongst other infallibly sane talking points.  Like calling Alcoholics Anonymous a "bootleg cult".  Like he cured his addiction "with his mind" and that he has a 100% success rate in said matters.  Like that he is "not Thomas Jefferson. He was a pussy! But I dare anyone to debate me on things."  Like claiming he embarrassed Lorre "in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process."  Later the same day, CBS cancels production on this season's remaining episodes of Two and a Half Men.  Separate incidents, undoubtedly.

27 February -- Says to his ex-wife, "I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!"

28 February -- Says on ABC's Good Morning America, "What’s not to love?  Especially when you see how I party. It was epic. The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards just look like droopy-eyed armless children."  Also comments that he's bored now with cocaine.  Says on CNN's Piers Morgan Tonight, when asked if he's hit women, “I have not, no. No, women are not to be hit. They’re to be hugged and caressed, you know?"  Umm:

• He shot Kelly Preston. (imdb)
• He hit a UCLA co-ed in the back of the head after she refused to sleep with him. (people)
• He flung Brittany Ashland to the ground, which split open her lip and would require 7 stitches. (e!)
• He held a knife to the throat of his wife Brooke Mueller. (daily mail)
• He threatened to kill Denise Richards and Capri Anderson. (people, nydn)

Objectively, Charlie Sheen is a lying and delusional madman.

And so is Scott Walker.

10 February 2011 -- Says his budget repair bill "is not a shock.  The shock would be if we didn't go forward with this."  Says PolitiFact: "But Walker, who offered many specific proposals during the campaign, did not go public with even the bare-bones of his multi-faceted plans to sharply curb collective bargaining rights. He could not point to any statements where he did. We could find none either."

17 February -- Says his request of state workers is "modest".

17 February, again -- Shows a cavalier disregard for nuance and says, "their [the Senate Democrats] actions by leaving the state and hiding from voting are disrespectful to the hundreds of thousands of public employees who showed up to work today and the millions of taxpayers they represent."

18 February -- Talking about civil protections, says, "Those fully remain intact. Civil service does not get altered by the modest changes we’re talking about here. Collective bargaining is fully intact."  Yes, he actually said "collective bargaining is fully intact".  No, he doesn't have the excuse of being on cocaine for why he said that.

19 February -- After a solid of week of saying his budget repair bill isn't about busting unions, he turns down a union offer agreeing to the financial aspects of the bill with the lone caveat their collective bargaining right aren't removed.

23 February -- Is prank called by Ian Murphy of the Buffalo Beast pretending to be David Koch.  On the call, on tape, he admits to viewing himself as Reagan figure, to considering planting agent provocateurs amongst the protesters, to planning to trick Senate Democrats into coming back to the state and to viewing his "not about union busting" as part of "something big" nationally in states that are attempting similar maneuvers.

23 February, again -- Has his spokesman say, "Throughout this call the Governor maintained his appreciation for and commitment to civil discourse."  Yes, the call where Walker admits to considering planting agent provocateurs.

24 February -- Says, "I'll always be willing to cooperate and communicate with the Democrats, but that has to happen at the state Capitol in Madison."  He says this not two days after admitting on tape to wanting to trick the Senate Democrats into coming back so he can meet hold a quorum against their will.

1 March -- Holds a budget address and says, "Democracy does not just expect differences, it demands them. It’s the manner in which we discuss and resolve those differences that leads to bold solutions and innovative reforms. [...]Passion and civility can go hand-in-hand and that’s what’s on display here in Wisconsin."  Yes, still ignoring that he considered planting agent provocateurs.  He also calls for the end of accounting gimmicks while saying Senate Democrats would have to get back that day so he can refinance some state debt into the next biennial.  He also keeps pushing that Senate Democrats aren't doing their jobs, showing nuance still escapes his grasp.

Charlie Sheen is a lying and delusional madman with abusive tendencies towards women.  Scott Walker is a lying and delusional madman with abusive tendencies towards Wisconsin.  Charlie Sheen is the Scott Walker of celebrities and Scott Walker is the Charlie Sheen of governors.  And while Charlie and Scott are "winning", we all lose.